Imagine starting a new job without any experience. You don’t know anything about the person you will be directly working for. You are expected to immediately build a connection or bond with this person and it is expected to be a beautiful relationship for the rest of your life. Caregiving for children is often met with this very expectation.
Caregiving comes with many responsibilities, stressors and messy beauty, yet so many continuously struggle with building connections with their children through the varying stages of their lives. There is no manual to access that works for everyone and the journey can often feel lonely or isolating.
There is hope! Connection and attachment to another can be a lifelong process. While one might be struggling with connection to their child, another might be curious about their connections and relationships as an adult.
While questions like “where are you from?”, “how did you grow up?” and “what were your parents/caregivers like?” are common, they aren’t always easy.
For some, those questions can be challenging and difficult to reflect on, while for others, it might seem straightforward. Attachment theory asks individuals to explore and reflect on their formative years of development.
Connection is the foundation for the relationship between a child and their caregiver. Attachment theory helps us understand the factors involved and how this early connection or disconnection impact us later in life.
History of Attachment Styles
Attachment styles and how they impact an individual’s thoughts and behaviors is of growing interest in research and people’s lives. Attachment to another starts at a very early age and is not only a function for survival but it is the foundation and overarching influence of how one builds and interprets relationships as an adult.
Attachment theory dates back to the 1950s and was the focus of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. While the research continues to evolve and grow, the theory identifies four attachment styles.
Anxious/Preoccupied
Avoidant/Dismissive
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant
Secure
Before we delve into what each one means, it must be noted that these four styles are not a diagnosis out of the DSM V. Attachment can also be described as a spectrum and each individual might not identify with one specific style exactly.
These different attachment styles are an opportunity to gain insight into one’s childhood, explore past relationships as well as be a tool to reference should expanding a family be on the horizon.
How Attachment Styles Develop
Attachment styles primarily develop through an child’s connection with their primary caregiver/parent. The child seeks physical/emotional safety and attunement from their primary caregiver from day one.
How a primary caregiver responds to those needs forms the foundations for how the child will perceive that relationship and develop their understanding outside the home.
An infant/child is fully dependent on a caregiver during the formative days and years. It’s also important to remember that a caregiver’s ability to attune to needs, even those not clearly expressed or communicated, influences the attachment process.
It is also worth noting that even while a caregiver’s misattunement might not be intentional, the child’s perception and ultimately outcome of unmet needs results in the various attachment styles, regardless of the caregiver’s intentions.
That can sound like a lot of pressure on a caregiver or parent to ensure they are able to do everything “correctly” at all times and that is just not the case. Attachment styles can change during one’s life span.
Attachment Styles Explained
Anxious/preoccupied attachment
Develops when caregiving is inconsistent and unpredictable; these children seek comfort from their caregiver, but are often frustrated by the caregiver’s lack of consistency or competence.
Avoidant/dismissive attachment
Develops when caregiving is consistently unresponsive to the developing child’s needs, especially their emotional needs.
These children have learned they have to manage their separation anxiety and stranger anxiety on their own.
Disorganized attachment
Develops when the caregiving environment is chaotic and/or threatening.
The behavioral systems of the other three classifications, secure, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent reflect organized adaptations to their caregiving circumstances.
In contrast, the disorganized classification reflects a lack of organization with no consistent, clear-cut pattern of adaptation, including the presence of various clinical markers (e.g., fear of the caregiver).
Secure attachment
Develops when caregiving is consistently responsive to the developing child’s needs
These children effectively use their caregiver as a secure base to manage separation anxiety and stranger anxiety.
How Attachment Styles Impact Relationships
Each attachment style that individuals develop early in life can and often have an impact on the way an individual engages in relationships as they reach adulthood.
The development of relationships outside of a primary caregiver begins early and how one views the outside world and those in it can have lasting impacts on one's ability to attach to another.
Anxious/Preoccupied attachment in adulthood may look like:
Fear of abandonment
Value relationships highly
Hypervigilant towards threat to their relationship security
Avoidant/Dismissive attachment in adulthood may look like:
Not wanting to depend on others
Having others depend on them while also potentially hiding or suppressing their feelings when met with potential conflict
Disorganized attachment in adulthood may look like:
The partner and the relationship being both a source of desire and fear
Atendency to avoid attachment due to fear of getting hurt by another.
Secure attachment in adulthood may look like:
Depending on a partner and let a partner rely on them.
Intimacy, vulnerability and emotional availability are consistent, safe, and healthy.
As a reminder, attachment styles can change and evolve during one’s life span as major life events, certain partnerships can impact how one engages in a relationship, attachment security can be achievable – through psychoeducation, self-awareness and self-growth.
At whatever stage one is in their life, reflecting on their closest relationships during major milestones in their life, who they were close to, how they engaged in relationship with another in the past or currently, is one tool to increase insight in one’s process and explore areas of growth.
If you're interested in more exploration of your own attachment style, how it impacts your relationships or your own parenting journey, let's chat!
